Isaiah Daniel

Wow. The last 2 days have been a whirlwind. When I found out at 7:30 on Tuesday morning that our birthmom was in labor and I needed to buy a plane ticket to get to South Carolina as soon as possible, I didn't know what to think. I had so much to do -- pack for me and the baby, get papers signed, buy a plane ticket, book a rental car, etc. And then say good-bye to Malachi, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done. My mom is a saint -- she agreed to take care of Malachi and fly him back to Missouri by herself so that he could stay with her and my dad until I got back to Seattle. To say I owe her is an understatement.

Not only was the stress of leaving bad enough, but then I got a call from the social worker in South Carolina saying that the baby had been taken to the NICU with respiratory problems, and the hospital was refusing to let me see him, so I might as well cancel my fight and wait. I was furious and scared and a complete wreck. I felt so bad for the little guy to have to be sitting all day in an incubator by himself with nobody there. And the birthmom was in emergency surgery with a blood clot the size of a tennis ball, so she couldn't do anything about it. In the end, I decided I was flying out anyway, and I would make it into that hospital to see my son if it meant getting on CNN to do it. Thankfully, I didn't have to take it that far, and the birthmom stepped in and told the hospital she wanted me there or else.

So I arrived at the hospital, got scrubbed up, and came to see little Isaiah. There he was, lying in an incubator with oxygen in his nose, a feeding tube coming out of his mouth, an IV in his arm, and wires all over the place. It was so sad and scary. But at least I was seeing him, and I got to hold his hand and rub his arm. His heart was great, his digestive system was great, his size was not preemie at all (6lbs. 10oz. and 18.6 inches long), but his lungs weren't working right. His breathing was labored and very rapid. I was unable to hold him, and they didn't want him to be stimulated very much, so we covered his incubator with a blanket and I just sat in the room staring at the monitor and blinking numbers. It was the most helpless I've ever felt.

To be here alone, without Aaron, who is normally the strong, sensible one, while I come from a long line of over reactors, has been hard. I have no one to lean on but God. But you know, God has been faithful. The social worker has been very supportive. And my friends from college, Brent and Ginger, live 45 minutes away and are letting me stay with them, even cooking me dinner! What a huge blessing -- it is so nice to have some place to go at night where there are people I can talk to and I can get away from the hospital.

In addition, the birth mom and her family are incredible -- it's like they've adopted me as part of their family, completely accepting me. The birthmom and I talk like we've been friends for years! Having them here has been amazing. It hasn't been scary, and Heather has never wavered in her decision to give Isaiah up for adoption. But she cares deeply about him. She came and sat by him, and we exchanged phone numbers before she was discharged so that I can call her if there is a change in his status. She will come visit him tomorrow on her way to the adoption agency to sign relinquishment papers, and I can't wait to see her (hopefully by then we'll be allowed to hold him). And I told her if she wants to come back to the hospital every day until he leaves, she can do it. I don't care if she's relinquished her rights or not -- she's still Isaiah's birthmom and still worried about him and deserves to get to see him.

The last 3 days have been some of the hardest of my life. To be away from Malachi is killing me. To sit in a hospital room alone (thank heavens this hospital has private rooms in the NICU!) staring at a little boy in an incubator who I've never even been able to hold is so sad. But strangely, I don't feel alone. I know God is here with me. I know He is comforting Malachi right now. And I know he has special angels watching over little Isaiah. I don't understand why God allowed this to happen. If Isaiah hadn't been 3 1/2 weeks early, Aaron and Malachi would have been able to be here, he probably wouldn't have needed to be in the NICU, and we would be able to fly back to Seattle as a whole family. I don't know why God allowed him to come early, to catch pneumonia, and to have me here by myself. But I do know He has a perfect plan. And even if that plan doesn't line up with mine, I have to trust this His is better. Because He's God, not me. He sees the bigger picture, and I just see the present. And He loves me and Aaron and Malachi and Isaiah. Even if I don't like it, I am choosing to believe that the plan is good.

One of my friends emailed me a verse that was perfect:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Thank you, Lord, that you are in control, and we can trust in You.