I love the adoption process and the picture that adoption gives of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. But there is one part to adoption that just doesn't feel natural: the competition. This wasn't really a big deal with our first adoption, since Malachi's birthmom chose us about a week after we had been approved, and our adoption profile wasn't even online for others to look at. However, with the second adoption, things have been a little different.
We started the process for the second adoption back in the summer, and were finally approved and ready to go in November. This time our profile was put online on Bethany Christian Service's website, and we made a bunch of photo albums that can be handed out to prospective birthmothers. The problem is, when I went to check our profile online, I also noticed there were 11 other profiles listed under the state of Washington. And, being the curious and extremely competitive person that I am, I, of course, read everyone else's profile so that I could size up the competition. "We're definitely cooler than them; ooh, they're really good looking; nope, they have us beat; but at least we're better than them." I just can't help it! And I have a feeling I'm not the only one out there thinking this. Because you see, in a way, we're all competing to be chosen by a birthmother. We all try to put our best foot forward, and you can't help trying to put yourself in a birthmother's shoes to figure out who she's going to choose. Our good points, in my mind, are our adorable son, our youth, our education, and our adventurous spirit. The way I see it, the Navy is probably our downfall, as some birthmoms would not want to place their kid with a military family that moves around a lot. But you never know. Maybe we're too short for a birthmom. Maybe the birthmom is racist and doesn't want to place a child with a family that has an AA child. Maybe she's racist and doesn't like white people. Maybe I should have gotten professional family photos taken before Aaron left on deployment. Maybe she wants a family with a house on 10 acres in the country and a dog instead of one living in an apartment. Maybe ...
I can second guess myself all I want, but the reality is, this is who we are. I can't change that. I cannot grow taller (believe me, I've tried), I don't like dogs, and my husband has a great job in the Navy. This is our life. When I start to worry about stuff like this, God quickly points out to me that He is in complete control. He has a baby already picked out for us in His perfect timing. He's the one in control, not me, and not the birthmoms. That's a comforting feeling. It has made the 6 rejections in the last month by birthmoms much easier to handle. I don't know if I'll ever be able to shake the questions about what why someone doesn't want me to raise their child, but I can know that God is sovereign and completely trustworthy, so if a birthmom rejects us, it means there's a different, perfect baby out there for us. All I have to do is wait patiently and trust in God's timing. Easier said than done.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Parenting is not easy
The stories about me as a child are legendary, and my mom always used to smile and say God was going to pay me back for the hell I raised as a child. However, I was hoping that maybe it was a genetic thing, and that by adopting, I would be able to bypass God's revenge. At first, it seemed I was very lucky. Malachi was the most laid back, easy-going kid I have ever seen. He rarely got upset, wasn't super motivated to crawl or move around, and was totally content to just sit and play with his feet. I was feeling pretty good about my parenting skills about then -- he slept well, ate well, played well, and was happy all the time. A few months later, however, my pride was deflated.
At around 8 months, Malachi figured out how to crawl, and that by crawling, he could get to whatever he wanted. He's a very adventurous little guy, and had no fears about crawling to the other end of the house without me and playing by himself with whatever he found. Thankfully, my house is pretty childproof, so it wasn't too much of a problem. I mostly just had to make sure he wasn't climbing in the toilet. Then at about a year, he started walking. That's when things became interesting. We have been living with my parents while Aaron is deployed, and while their house is fairly childproof, their stuff is a whole lot nicer than mine. His current debt (as of this post) includes 1 vase, 1 necklace, 1 mirror, a plastic watering can, 1 light bulb, and a fake flower arrangement. This kid is active! He tries to go out the front door when we're not looking. Or the garage. Or into the still-wet shower. Or plays in the toilet. You can't take your eye off him for one minute! I appreciate his curiosity, but it's exhausting!
However, this stuff isn't what made me want to give up and label myself as "worst parent in the world." It's the whining and the tantrums. He doesn't say a whole lot yet ("hot" and "yuck" are still his most frequently spoken words), so he whines when he wants something. Then, if he doesn't get it, he throws himself backwards and starts wailing. Let me point out that he's not even 14 months old yet! I was pretty sure I had at least another 10 months before this kind of stuff started. Let me also point out that I am quite possibly the least patient person in the world. I do not tolerate whining. But I don't know what to do to stop it! I am usually a fairly confident person, and I read a lot, so I can usually figure out some way to "fix" things. Not with parenting. I feel so overwhelmed at times that I actually cried once (and I never cry). I just want to throw in the towel and give up. What do you do with this kid? How do you keep him from whining? How do you make him start saying what he wants? Why won't the kid even attempt sign language? Then you realize it's probably your own fault that he won't attempt sign language because you weren't consistent enough with it. He whines because you suck. He throws tantrums because you're a terrible mom who didn't do a good job of teaching him contentment, patience, and respect.
And then you lift your head up and realize, hey, he's just a kid! And you're just an imperfect person trying to figure out this whole parenting thing. And God is a big God who can compensate for your multitude of mistakes. And if nothing else, you deserve this because of the hell you put your parents through at this age.
I started reading a few books and implementing time outs every time he throws a tantrum, and it seems to be helping (at least it keeps me calm enough to try to get some patience back). And I've also been realizing I should have a little more understanding for him, as we have traveled at least every other weekend, staying the night somewhere else, driving in a car for 4 hours, etc. Overall, he's done awesome.
Mostly, I've been realizing that parenting is not for the faint of heart. It's a full-time job. Sometimes I will do awesome at it. Sometimes I will fail. But as long as Malachi knows I love him, and as long I continue to try to show him grace and love, just as God shows the same to me, I think he'll be okay.
And maybe God decided it's time to work on my patience after all (even though I quit praying for it a long time ago). I'm just hoping I'm a quick learner.
At around 8 months, Malachi figured out how to crawl, and that by crawling, he could get to whatever he wanted. He's a very adventurous little guy, and had no fears about crawling to the other end of the house without me and playing by himself with whatever he found. Thankfully, my house is pretty childproof, so it wasn't too much of a problem. I mostly just had to make sure he wasn't climbing in the toilet. Then at about a year, he started walking. That's when things became interesting. We have been living with my parents while Aaron is deployed, and while their house is fairly childproof, their stuff is a whole lot nicer than mine. His current debt (as of this post) includes 1 vase, 1 necklace, 1 mirror, a plastic watering can, 1 light bulb, and a fake flower arrangement. This kid is active! He tries to go out the front door when we're not looking. Or the garage. Or into the still-wet shower. Or plays in the toilet. You can't take your eye off him for one minute! I appreciate his curiosity, but it's exhausting!
However, this stuff isn't what made me want to give up and label myself as "worst parent in the world." It's the whining and the tantrums. He doesn't say a whole lot yet ("hot" and "yuck" are still his most frequently spoken words), so he whines when he wants something. Then, if he doesn't get it, he throws himself backwards and starts wailing. Let me point out that he's not even 14 months old yet! I was pretty sure I had at least another 10 months before this kind of stuff started. Let me also point out that I am quite possibly the least patient person in the world. I do not tolerate whining. But I don't know what to do to stop it! I am usually a fairly confident person, and I read a lot, so I can usually figure out some way to "fix" things. Not with parenting. I feel so overwhelmed at times that I actually cried once (and I never cry). I just want to throw in the towel and give up. What do you do with this kid? How do you keep him from whining? How do you make him start saying what he wants? Why won't the kid even attempt sign language? Then you realize it's probably your own fault that he won't attempt sign language because you weren't consistent enough with it. He whines because you suck. He throws tantrums because you're a terrible mom who didn't do a good job of teaching him contentment, patience, and respect.
And then you lift your head up and realize, hey, he's just a kid! And you're just an imperfect person trying to figure out this whole parenting thing. And God is a big God who can compensate for your multitude of mistakes. And if nothing else, you deserve this because of the hell you put your parents through at this age.
I started reading a few books and implementing time outs every time he throws a tantrum, and it seems to be helping (at least it keeps me calm enough to try to get some patience back). And I've also been realizing I should have a little more understanding for him, as we have traveled at least every other weekend, staying the night somewhere else, driving in a car for 4 hours, etc. Overall, he's done awesome.
Mostly, I've been realizing that parenting is not for the faint of heart. It's a full-time job. Sometimes I will do awesome at it. Sometimes I will fail. But as long as Malachi knows I love him, and as long I continue to try to show him grace and love, just as God shows the same to me, I think he'll be okay.
And maybe God decided it's time to work on my patience after all (even though I quit praying for it a long time ago). I'm just hoping I'm a quick learner.
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