What's Your Excuse?

My mom and husband have both mentioned to me that I'm not exactly very kind in my posts; I can tend to be heavy on truth and light on grace. Well, this post isn't going to change that (and may be worse than previous posts). Because sometimes things need to be said and they need to be said bluntly. If you want to read something nice and sweet, go find another blog, because this post ain't it.

So here's my question: What's your excuse for not adopting? I can't tell you how many times I've met people both young and old who have told me that they always wanted to adopt, but things happened and they just never got around to it. I think that's lame (sorry if I hurt your feelings, but there it is). If you're not adopting even though you've felt called to do so, just because you don't want to take the time to look into it, you are lame. And if you call yourself a Christian, you are commanded in the Bible to take care of widows and orphans (James 1:27). Are you?

People have a lot of reasons why they're not adopting. I'm going to shoot down some of your excuses:

1. It's too expensive. I've written about the money issue in the past, but let me summarize a little. First, if you want to do a domestic infant adoption, it will probably cost you around $10,000-$30,000 (depending on which agency you use, lawyer fees, state fees, etc.). However (and this is a big however), the government is currently giving around a $13,000 tax credit to families who adopt (i.e. a big fat check in the mail for close to $13,000). The kicker is that you don't get it until your adoption is finalized, so you pay your costs up front, but you do get reimbursed quite a bit. Also, adoption of older children and children with special needs (from the foster system, for instance) is usually FREE. Yes, that's right, free. And if you still don't have the money, consider fundraisers, or the multitude of organizations that help cover adoption costs if you only apply for it.

2. What if the child has problems? This usually means you're afraid they'll have physical, mental, or emotional problems. But couldn't that happen to any child, adopted or biological? Of course there are all kinds of issues that you could find out about with an adopted child (some known, and some unknown before the adoption). But if God is calling you to do something, don't you think He'll give you the strength, wisdom and patience to do it?

3. The process takes too much time; I'm not that patient. Sometimes adoption can seem like it takes forever. Sometimes you wait for years before you get matched with a child. Yes, there is paperwork to fill out (and lots of it), but I think I got all of our paperwork done in just a few weeks. Start to finish with Malachi was 5 months total; Isaiah's took a little longer because we stopped in the middle due to Aaron's deployment, but once we found out about him, he came in about 5 weeks. In both cases, the adoption waiting was shorter (and for Malachi, much shorter) than a pregnancy. And the cool thing about the paperwork is that it actually forces you to sit down and do things like write out your budget, find out your family medical history, get a physical, learn CPR, etc. -- things you should probably do before a pregnancy anyway.

4. What if we don't bond with the child or he or she doesn't get along with our other children? That's a possibility, especially if you adopt an older child or adopt internationally. It can take time and patience and counseling and lots of prayer to incorporate a new person into your family. But I don't think fear is a very good excuse for not considering your options.

5. How will people respond to us and/or the child if he or she doesn't look like us? This was a fear of ours, esp. adopting two kids transracially. Will you get stares? Probably. Will people ask you dumb questions (see previous post)? Most definitely. Will strangers wonder who the real father is or ask you if you're the nanny? It's likely. Has any of this harmed me? Not a bit. You prepare for it, you know it's going to happen, and you deal with it with a smile. If fear of what other people will think about you keeps you from adopting, that's probably sin (some kind of idolization of the acceptance of other people, to make this post more Tim Keller approved).

Okay, these are just some of the excuses I've heard about why people don't adopt. And I don't think adoption is for everyone (again see previous post about people who distinguish between their "own" kids and adopted kids). Some families already have 10 biological kids and honestly can't squeeze another one into the 12-passenger van (does that actually exist, or are there just 15-passenger vans?). Some people have never felt called to adopt. But that doesn't get you off the hook. You should still be helping widows and orphans. Here are a few random suggestions of how you can do that (these are off the top of my head -- I'm sure someone wiser and nicer and more educated than I am has written an extensive list, so google it):

1. Consider foster care. If you're not ready to commit to adoption, perhaps you could do foster care. You can foster children from newborn infants up to teenagers -- there are tons of options. I grew up having foster brothers (and one sister) who were anywhere from 1 day old to 1 month old. We usually only took care of them for 2-4 weeks before they went to their adopted home. If you like babies but aren't ready to commit to raising a child through college, this could be for you. And if you hate babies but love kids and/or teenagers, you can foster older children. There are tons of options.

2. Do respite foster care. This is where you're a foster family that takes care of kids briefly, usually to give the regular foster parents a break (because taking care of kids is hard work). It might be a weekend or a couple of weeks, but it's not long-term, and still is an amazing blessing to both parents and kids.

3. Give money. Donate money to families that do want to adopt and are struggling to find the money. Host a fundraiser. Get your church excited about adoption and get them to donate money. Help families who have adopted and are struggling to make ends meet with the burdens of extra children (and feel free to start with a donation to our "Buy a minivan fund" -- 3 kids in carseats means no more cool cars like our Honda Civic). Throw families a baby shower or a welcome home shower for older adopted kids -- things to help them get started with diapers, clothes, etc. And bring over food. Lots of food. After any adoption, food is greatly appreciated, because there is a lot of transition going on. If you want to continue bringing meals over the span of a year or more, that will also be appreciated.

4. Be a mentor. There are lots of kids and teens in the foster care and orphanage system who don't really have anyone there for them to look after them and help them with schoolwork and throw a football around, etc. Sign up to be a Big Brother or Big Sister. Talk to your local school and see if there are any kids that would benefit from having someone help them out. Volunteer with your church youth group and get to know these kids. You can make a huge impact that can change a kid's life!

I guess that's probably enough of a soap box for the day, but I do think it's our job as human beings, "rich" Americans, and especially Christians to be taking care of widows and orphans. Sometimes you have to be creative to figure out what that looks like for you, but don't let laziness be your excuse for not looking into adoption, foster care, and/or other orphan ministries. You have the chance to change lives. So why don't you?

What Not to Say

So being a little over 2 years into this adoption thing, and having adopted transracially, where it's obvious my kids are adopted, believe me when I say that I've heard it all. Now, I am not an overly sensitive type person and I don't really get offended, so don't start apologizing all over yourself if you've said one of the following to me. I probably just laughed at your ignorance behind your back and moved on. This is more to educate you so that other adoptive parents who are sensitive don't get their feelings hurt by you. So without further ado, a list (with explanations) of what not to say to adoptive parents:

1. "Are they brothers?" Um, yes, they are brothers. They're both our sons, which makes them brothers. Of course we know that you mean are they biological brothers, but seriously -- my kids don't need to grow up wondering whether or not they are brothers. They are. The end. If you can't tell by looking at them that they don't have the same genetics, you're an idiot.

2. "Do you know who their mom is?" Yep -- I live with her every day. And yes, I do know you mean their "biological mom", but please use that term instead. I love talking about my kids' biological parents, but I try to refer to them as such. I'm their mom, Aaron's their dad. They also have two biological moms and dads, but we're the ones they call Mommy and Daddy.

3. "Could you not have kids of your own?" "I've always wanted to adopted, but I want my own kids first." Okay, people. These kids ARE MY OWN!!! If you say you want to adopt, but you're going to distinguish between your "own" kids and those you adopt, please do us all a favor and let the poor kid go to a family who will actually think of him or her as their own. My sons are my sons. If you read the Bible, you'll see several verses saying God has adopted us as His children. He calls us His own. I'm not going to distinguish between my adopted kids and my biological kids -- they are all my own kids. Period.

4. "Did you try to have your own kids?" See #3 about "my own" kids, but seriously people. Do I have to tell the entire world about my health problems? I've been asked this question by people in the checkout line at the grocery store. My business is my business. Now, I happen to be a very open person about adoption and PCOS, and I'm not shy about my medical history, but some people are. And I love it when people ask me questions about it because they may be dealing with infertility or considering adoption themselves. If that's you, ask away! But please don't approach people you don't know in Aisle 5 at Wal-Mart and start taking down their medical history. It is not appreciated.

5. "You'll probably get pregnant as soon as you adopt!" I don't know how many times I've had people tell me this, or tell me about the 2 people they know who adopted and then got pregnant. Here are the problems with this: A) There are many people who will seriously never be able to have children. Why tell them they're going to get pregnant after they've dealt with years of infertility treatments and have come to the decision to adopt, when quite honestly, it's not as common as you think to get pregnant after adopting. It just seems that way because those cases stick out to you. And B) It makes it sound like adoption is a plan B. Like oh good -- you'll adopt so that you can finally get pregnant. Folks, I didn't care one bit if I ever conceived a child and gave birth to some biological mini-me. Of course I'm excited that I'm going to have a child, but frankly, I'm less excited than I was about adopting my other 2 boys. Adoption is awesome. It's a Plan A. It's biblical (perhaps more biblical than having kids the "old-fashioned" way). I didn't adopt in hopes that God would open the heavens and my womb and give me my "own" kids (See #3 again). Nope -- I've wanted to adopt since I was a kid. And I'm actually hoping that we may someday adopt another child (yes, after giving birth to a biological son -- gasp), because it's amazing. Everyone should do it. Well, everyone that doesn't distinguish between their "own" kids and their "adopted" kids. So please be excited for me to be pregnant; please congratulate me and tell me how great it is; but please do not act like this is God finally blessing me after I sacrificed to adopt two kids. My 3 kids are awesome. I will love them equally, treat them equally, and they will all know that they are my "own" kids.

I tried to keep this somewhat lighthearted, but consider yourself educated. And don't worry if you slip-up. Every once in a while I'll refer to Malachi or Isaiah's birthmom as their mom. I get it -- it's hard to change your vocabulary. But maybe try a little to be more sensitive to adoptive parents and how you talk to them. Except for me, because I'm not sensitive, and I love to laugh at people's ignorance, so continue to spout off your crazy questions and observations -- you may end up on my blog someday! :)