"Do we suck as parents, or are our kids just hard?" When my husband asked me this yesterday, it perfectly summed up the way I've felt the last few weeks (months?). As I told my sister, some people were meant to be moms. They're awesome at it. They love it. Their kids sleep all night at two weeks old, don't whine, say "yes, ma'am" and "no, sir", memorize Psalm 119 by the age of 3, and they actually really enjoy life with their kids 90% of the time. Then there's me.
My 5-month old used to sleep through the night, but for the last month he's woken up and pooped (half the time a blowout diaper) at 3am. And every once in awhile he has nights like last night where he's up 3-4 times (only one time was it a complete blowout diaper). And he won't take a nap longer than 45 minutes. Ever. My almost 3-year old whines. A lot. I hate it. And he throws temper tantrums and has started hurting people (i.e. his middle brother) on purpose. And my 1.5-year old has the worst temper I've ever seen. He's disobedient and doesn't listen and consequences don't seem to phase him one bit (in his defense, he can kick the crap out of just about any kid twice his size, so maybe he really doesn't feel pain).
But all of this makes me feel like a complete failure as a mother. Why won't my kid sleep through the night? Why do I have a kid who both whines and throws temper tantrums (one or the other would be fine, but both?!)? Why is my middle kid so stubborn and disobedient? Obviously, it's because I suck as a parent. I'm not "Babywise" enough. I'm not strict enough. Or maybe I'm too strict. I'm definitely not "shepherding my child's heart." In fact, most days I'm just trying to survive. I'm trying to make it to naptime without having a mental breakdown. And when Aaron comes home, we put our helmets on and just try to stay alive (and keep our kids alive) for 2.5 hours before bedtime. And then we collapse.
The daily grind is exhausting, and it's not made any easier by feeling like we are doing something wrong. I was seriously considering throwing in the towel and giving up on this whole parenting thing altogether ... possibly coercing my parents into keeping my boys for the next 3-5 years (I'd see them on holidays and birthdays, right?). And then I read an awesome chapter in the book Parenting is Your Highest Calling and 8 Other Myths that Trap us in Worry and Guilt. The author talks about how we can get so fixated on trying to use the right methods to raise our kids that we lose sight of the fact that the Bible never gives any specific directions on methods for raising kids (No really. There's no advice on getting your kid to sleep through the night, or whether you should homeschool or do private school or public school, or whether they should be allowed to watch Hoosiers or not (they should)). The Bible mostly talks about how we should teach our kids who God is. In fact, Jesus narrows it down to two simple commandments: Love God. Love others. That's it.
This was so freeing to me! All I really need to do is focus on loving God and teaching my kids about God's love for them and his desire for them to love others. This simplified "parenting manual" feels a lot more doable. It's a lot less condemning. I mean, I don't love God or others perfectly (sometimes I don't really love others at all), but if I can focus on those two things and stop stressing about my sleep techniques, feeding techniques, discipline techniques, etc., maybe I'll feel less like a failure every waking moment of every day. I can rejoice in the little victories, like praying for and with my kids, reading Bible stories, watching YouTube music videos by Third Day (okay, so I don't know if I can count that as a victory, but hey -- it's good music and they love it -- don't judge me). And I can stop comparing myself to all of the parents who are raising their kids the "right" way.
Love Jesus. Love others. Those are my only goals for today.
I always love the honesty within your blog postings Audrey! You are so right. I needed this after parent teacher conferences last week. Thank you for sharing the Truth of God's word.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jessi! God is good, and I am so thankful for grace! Because, dog gone it, I need it. :)
ReplyDeleteAudrey, you certainly don't suck as a parent. My word, look at all you and Aaron have done in 3 short years- I'm amazed! No one has perfect kids. The ones whose 2 week old is sleeping through the night is lying! The toddlers that don't whine and throw tantrums now are just not as smart as yours and will be a challenge when they're older! And, Babywise, now that's just scary, not an ideal to live up to! Obviously, I'm kidding (kinda). The things you describe about Malachi, you could be talking about Ruby. Yes, even the part about hurting the younger sibling. Parenting is SO hard because you are SO good at it and want to do a good job. It would be easy if you didn't really care. And, you are so very right about God's simple commands to us as parents. Thanks for your truth!
ReplyDeleteAudrey... you are in the thick of it. girl, I'm telling you from the perspective of a mom with three close together (and not nearly as close as you have them), this is a HARD season. I went thru and still go thru the same stuff you described, but you nailed it. Love God. Love your kids. (and others). the more we draw near to Him and are obedient ourselves, the calmer we are and better able to handle the daily grind. Sleep deprivation is my WORST enemy. I always prayed that the Lord would multiply my sleep... what little I was getting, when Molly was a newborn and Kris was deployed. he can do that, you know. Call me any time you need an ear or some encouragement! You're doing a great job. Love and miss you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jill! You are such an encouragement (and a fabulous mama!). I may be calling you very soon ... and the same for you -- when Kris is deployed and you just need to talk, you have my number! Miss and love you too!
ReplyDeleteAnd Sheri -- I love you. If only we could go for a run together and talk all this parenting crap out ... I'm pretty sure it would make me feel a lot better!
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone, Audrey and Aaron. Sean and I daily ask each other...'why the heck do our kids act like this? What have we done wrong?' Sad part is...we've only scratched the surface in raising them. Ha! Thanks for the blog...I love it as usual :)
ReplyDelete