Bringing Up Bebe

As an English and French teacher, there was something extremely appealing about reading a book written by an American about life as a mom in France. And, let's be honest, the thought of reading a book period right now was pretty darn appealing too. So when our computer crashed for a week, I spent my "free" time (i.e. when the two oldest were asleep and I was nursing the baby) reading the book Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman. I don't normally do book reviews as part of this blog, but this one was so good I thought I'd give it a shot.

Druckerman and her husband were living in Paris when she got pregnant with her daughter, so she got to experience pregnancy, birth, and then raising a child while in France. Her experiences were so different from what parents experience in the U.S. that she started digging to figure out why. And for the most part, she concludes that French parenting is much better than American parenting. After reading the book, I'd have to agree. Now the French aren't perfect (they rarely nurse their children at all, and if they do, it's only for 3 months), and they don't exactly teach their kids the kind of morals I'd like to instill in my own children (i.e. affairs aren't good for a marriage, and having sex when you're 15 isn't acceptable to me), nor do they give a darn about religion (they might claim to be Catholic, but very few French people actually regularly attend church). However, their kids tend to be polite, well-behaved, and can sit through a 4-course meal at a restaurant starting before the age of 2 without the parents bribing them with Goldfish crackers and cookies or sitting an iPad in front of them for the duration of the meal. How do they do this?! Well, here's some of my takeaways from the book:

1. French parents do not feel guilty about putting their kids in childcare. It helps that childcare is subsidized by the government and extremely high quality. In fact, most French women go back to work after taking 3 months off following the birth of their children. Even women who choose to stay at home often send their kids to what we call daycare (they call them "creches" -- the same term used for the nativity at Christmas). They firmly believe that kids need to learn to socialize with their peers and become independent of their parents. Reading about this has helped relieve my guilt over sending my two oldest to a 4-hour once a week preschool program. Maybe it won't cause them to grow up to be terrorists after all.

2. French parents firmly believe that children should be a part of the family, not the center of attention. Kids are included in activities, but they don't get to rule the house. Parents think it's good for everyone if the parents still have their own lives outside of their kids. This mentality affects everything they do -- they don't sign kids up for a million activities every night of the week and then spend their time bussing kids from one thing to the next. They might have one or two activities, but parents aren't expected to attend practices. If you have a playdate in France, you drop your kid off at the friend's house and then leave to do your own thing. Unlike here in the states, you aren't expected to stick around and help corral the kids (the same goes for birthday parties -- a 3-year old's parents aren't going to stick around for your kid's birthday party; they will, however, return at the end for champagne). Kids have to go to bed early enough that their parents get some time to themselves. At the park, kids play while the parents sit on benches on the edge and socialize with each other. (French mothers do NOT go down slides or narrate every activity their child is doing: "Look, you're swinging! Whee!") The list goes on and on, but when you don't make your kids your entire life, but instead teach them to be part of your life, it changes your focus on everything.

3. French kids will eat almost anything. I still don't know quite how they do it, except that parents believe that kids must be "educated" on what foods to eat, and their tastes must be cultivated. They don't force their kids to eat all the peas on their plate, but they do require that kids try at least one bite of everything. And they don't fix a substitute meal in case their kids don't like what's on the menu for the night. Of course, I think my kids would be much more likely to eat what's on the menu if it included fresh ingredients bought that day from the local grocers (kind of hard to do here in the U.S.). But I can't say I do a great job of expanding their palates (heck, I like PB&J and grilled cheese more than they do!). Oh, and French kids don't snack. Ever. They eat 4 meals a day: breakfast, lunch, gouter (the 4:00 snack), and dinner. A common gouter: a chocolate sandwich. Yes, please! But you won't see parents at the park mid-morning with snack cups of graham crackers, pretzels, and raisins. Nope -- kids learn from a very early age to get on schedule with the rest of the country (yes, most of the country eats at the same time every day). I think this is genius. Our kids probably would eat more of the meal we gave them if we (and I do mean I) didn't fill their bellies with crackers and dried fruit all day!

4. French kids are independent. Starting at the age of 4, French schools have week-long "field trips" without parents to the countryside or the beach or some place like that. Are you kidding me?! And parents don't freak out, aren't expected to sign a waiver saying they won't sue the country if their kid gets a scraped knee, etc. And apparently kids are fine with this! While this idea scares the heck out of me, the thought of sending my kids off for a week in the summer sounds awesome! Crazy, but awesome. But what if they got homesick? What if they got hurt? How many chaperones will their be? Can my kid even get in bed by himself? Will he brush his teeth at all that week? That teacher must be insane to spend a week with a bunch of 4 year olds! Maybe it's just the American in me, but I don't know if I want my kids to be that independent. But French parents value independence. They aren't "helicopter parents" who worry all the time that their kid is going to fall and break his leg. They are much more trusting and relaxed. I like that. I even let Malachi tackle his brother yesterday and held my tongue from crying out "Be careful!" when they were chasing each other around the basement. It's kind of freeing -- kids will be kids, and they'll be fine!

5. French parents rarely talk about "discipline" and "punishment." Instead, they use the term "education." I LOVE this mentality, and it's kind of a paradigm shift for me. Rather than get angry when my kids do things that are wrong or annoy me, if you think of it as educating them, you use it as a teachable moment. You explain things to them more rather than just yelling "No!" You stay calmer when you think of yourself as a teacher rather than a disciplinarian. I'm still working on this. I keep trying to "teach" my kids and ask them politely to stop doing such and such because it's dangerous, etc., but by the third time of asking and explaining and they're still not listening, I'm done educating and quickly move on to raising my voice or threatening with timeouts or the occasional spanking. I'm too quick to get angry, but I'm working on being a better "teacher." It doesn't help that patience isn't exactly my greatest spiritual gift (shocker, I know).

Anyway, this got long, and there is a ton of stuff to read about in this book. I don't agree with all of French parenting (an education system where a 16/20 is the highest score you can hope to attain, because teachers grade you on an impossible ideal?), but I think Bringing Up Bebe gives you a lot to think about, and is definitely worth reading. Even if you're not a parent, but love everything French like I do, it's a great book to learn more about French culture. My only warning: be prepared to find yourself daydreaming about moving to France, renting an apartment with a view of la Tour Eiffel, sitting in a cafe eating chocolate sandwiches, and watching happily as your kids play quietly by themselves in the Tuileries Gardens. If only ...