What Not to Say

So being a little over 2 years into this adoption thing, and having adopted transracially, where it's obvious my kids are adopted, believe me when I say that I've heard it all. Now, I am not an overly sensitive type person and I don't really get offended, so don't start apologizing all over yourself if you've said one of the following to me. I probably just laughed at your ignorance behind your back and moved on. This is more to educate you so that other adoptive parents who are sensitive don't get their feelings hurt by you. So without further ado, a list (with explanations) of what not to say to adoptive parents:

1. "Are they brothers?" Um, yes, they are brothers. They're both our sons, which makes them brothers. Of course we know that you mean are they biological brothers, but seriously -- my kids don't need to grow up wondering whether or not they are brothers. They are. The end. If you can't tell by looking at them that they don't have the same genetics, you're an idiot.

2. "Do you know who their mom is?" Yep -- I live with her every day. And yes, I do know you mean their "biological mom", but please use that term instead. I love talking about my kids' biological parents, but I try to refer to them as such. I'm their mom, Aaron's their dad. They also have two biological moms and dads, but we're the ones they call Mommy and Daddy.

3. "Could you not have kids of your own?" "I've always wanted to adopted, but I want my own kids first." Okay, people. These kids ARE MY OWN!!! If you say you want to adopt, but you're going to distinguish between your "own" kids and those you adopt, please do us all a favor and let the poor kid go to a family who will actually think of him or her as their own. My sons are my sons. If you read the Bible, you'll see several verses saying God has adopted us as His children. He calls us His own. I'm not going to distinguish between my adopted kids and my biological kids -- they are all my own kids. Period.

4. "Did you try to have your own kids?" See #3 about "my own" kids, but seriously people. Do I have to tell the entire world about my health problems? I've been asked this question by people in the checkout line at the grocery store. My business is my business. Now, I happen to be a very open person about adoption and PCOS, and I'm not shy about my medical history, but some people are. And I love it when people ask me questions about it because they may be dealing with infertility or considering adoption themselves. If that's you, ask away! But please don't approach people you don't know in Aisle 5 at Wal-Mart and start taking down their medical history. It is not appreciated.

5. "You'll probably get pregnant as soon as you adopt!" I don't know how many times I've had people tell me this, or tell me about the 2 people they know who adopted and then got pregnant. Here are the problems with this: A) There are many people who will seriously never be able to have children. Why tell them they're going to get pregnant after they've dealt with years of infertility treatments and have come to the decision to adopt, when quite honestly, it's not as common as you think to get pregnant after adopting. It just seems that way because those cases stick out to you. And B) It makes it sound like adoption is a plan B. Like oh good -- you'll adopt so that you can finally get pregnant. Folks, I didn't care one bit if I ever conceived a child and gave birth to some biological mini-me. Of course I'm excited that I'm going to have a child, but frankly, I'm less excited than I was about adopting my other 2 boys. Adoption is awesome. It's a Plan A. It's biblical (perhaps more biblical than having kids the "old-fashioned" way). I didn't adopt in hopes that God would open the heavens and my womb and give me my "own" kids (See #3 again). Nope -- I've wanted to adopt since I was a kid. And I'm actually hoping that we may someday adopt another child (yes, after giving birth to a biological son -- gasp), because it's amazing. Everyone should do it. Well, everyone that doesn't distinguish between their "own" kids and their "adopted" kids. So please be excited for me to be pregnant; please congratulate me and tell me how great it is; but please do not act like this is God finally blessing me after I sacrificed to adopt two kids. My 3 kids are awesome. I will love them equally, treat them equally, and they will all know that they are my "own" kids.

I tried to keep this somewhat lighthearted, but consider yourself educated. And don't worry if you slip-up. Every once in a while I'll refer to Malachi or Isaiah's birthmom as their mom. I get it -- it's hard to change your vocabulary. But maybe try a little to be more sensitive to adoptive parents and how you talk to them. Except for me, because I'm not sensitive, and I love to laugh at people's ignorance, so continue to spout off your crazy questions and observations -- you may end up on my blog someday! :)