5 Reasons Why I'm Scared of a Biological Child

So, in case you haven't heard, I am going to be having a baby. No, it wasn't planned. Yes, it is a surprise. Yes, we will have 3 kids under age 2 1/2 when the new one shows up in May. And yes, I am terrified. Here's why:

1. The obvious -- pushing a child out of my body is about as appealing to me as being in a concentration camp. Adoption is so much easier -- let everyone else do the work for you, and you still get a beautiful baby. And it doesn't help that both of my boys were born "naturally" (i.e. no epidural), which kind of puts the pressure on me to buck up and take it like a man (for lack of a better term).

2. My boys are cute. I mean, I know I'm biased, but I have the two best-looking boys around, if I do say so myself. And let's be honest, black and biracial babies are always cuter than white babies. Now we're going to have a white baby. If it looks like me as a baby, it will be short, bald, and fat. If it looks like Aaron as a boy, it will still be short and fat. In fact, I've been begging God for a girl (even though I always said I'd rather have all boys), because I'd feel really bad for the short, fat, white kid with glasses in the family when his two brothers are beastly, athletic, musically talented, and gorgeous. At least if it's a girl she'll have the satisfaction of knowing her two older brothers are cool and will have her back (even if she's still short and fat ... have you seen the booties on my husband and me? Not a chance she wouldn't inherit that).

3. Having a biological kid is scary. Anything could be wrong with this baby. I totally drank wine, ate cookie dough, sat in a hot tub, and ran with my heart rate way over 140 before I knew I was pregnant (and I still eat cookie dough, but don't tell anyone -- I'm trying to build up the baby's tolerance to it so I can start him/her early). We found out about Malachi approximately 3 weeks before he was born, so I didn't really have time to worry, and we already knew he was okay as far as the doctors knew. And we found out about Isaiah about 5 weeks before he was born, so again, no time to worry. This time I have months to wait until the baby comes, which equals lots of time to worry.

4. Being pregnant stinks. You get fat, you can't eat cookie dough, your back hurts, you're tired, your skin breaks out, and you're not supposed to exercise with your heart rate over 140. When I asked the doctor if I could continue running, he said, sure, as long as my heart rate was under 140. Um, I'm pretty sure I've never run with my heart rate under 140. I typically average 175 or 180, and that's when I'm already in good shape. (I decided to ignore the doctor, and as long as I don't get over 160, I call it good -- which still means I can't run faster than a 10 or 11 minute mile). There are some pluses, I guess, though -- bigger boobs, belly band, excuse to unbutton your pants at Thanksgiving dinner and/or wear sweat pants all the time. But still ...

5. People think that this biological baby is "what we've been waiting for" for the last 2 years. As if it's somehow better than an adopted child. I hate that. It scares me that Malachi and Isaiah would ever think we somehow "favored" a biological child. Frankly, I could have cared less if I ever got pregnant, and I'm more worried that the biological kid is going to get the short end of the stick. Honestly, I'm less excited about this kid than I was my first two kids. I'm afraid of what I would do to someone if they ever treated him or her better than my other two. I think I'm really afraid I will like this kid less than my other two. It's definitely not going to be easy taking care of 3 kids who are each 15 months apart. I think I'm going to get myself on some kind of prayer chain where people pray that this kid will not be colicky, or have reflux, and will sleep through the night early on. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure I'll have to be checked into a mental institution.

Now that I've voiced my fears and concerns, I do have to say that it's pretty cool to be part of a miracle. And I'll probably get more excited once I actually get a baby belly, hear the heartbeat for more than 2 seconds, and see a picture of this tiny human inside of me. Yeah, that will be cool.