What's Your Excuse?

My mom and husband have both mentioned to me that I'm not exactly very kind in my posts; I can tend to be heavy on truth and light on grace. Well, this post isn't going to change that (and may be worse than previous posts). Because sometimes things need to be said and they need to be said bluntly. If you want to read something nice and sweet, go find another blog, because this post ain't it.

So here's my question: What's your excuse for not adopting? I can't tell you how many times I've met people both young and old who have told me that they always wanted to adopt, but things happened and they just never got around to it. I think that's lame (sorry if I hurt your feelings, but there it is). If you're not adopting even though you've felt called to do so, just because you don't want to take the time to look into it, you are lame. And if you call yourself a Christian, you are commanded in the Bible to take care of widows and orphans (James 1:27). Are you?

People have a lot of reasons why they're not adopting. I'm going to shoot down some of your excuses:

1. It's too expensive. I've written about the money issue in the past, but let me summarize a little. First, if you want to do a domestic infant adoption, it will probably cost you around $10,000-$30,000 (depending on which agency you use, lawyer fees, state fees, etc.). However (and this is a big however), the government is currently giving around a $13,000 tax credit to families who adopt (i.e. a big fat check in the mail for close to $13,000). The kicker is that you don't get it until your adoption is finalized, so you pay your costs up front, but you do get reimbursed quite a bit. Also, adoption of older children and children with special needs (from the foster system, for instance) is usually FREE. Yes, that's right, free. And if you still don't have the money, consider fundraisers, or the multitude of organizations that help cover adoption costs if you only apply for it.

2. What if the child has problems? This usually means you're afraid they'll have physical, mental, or emotional problems. But couldn't that happen to any child, adopted or biological? Of course there are all kinds of issues that you could find out about with an adopted child (some known, and some unknown before the adoption). But if God is calling you to do something, don't you think He'll give you the strength, wisdom and patience to do it?

3. The process takes too much time; I'm not that patient. Sometimes adoption can seem like it takes forever. Sometimes you wait for years before you get matched with a child. Yes, there is paperwork to fill out (and lots of it), but I think I got all of our paperwork done in just a few weeks. Start to finish with Malachi was 5 months total; Isaiah's took a little longer because we stopped in the middle due to Aaron's deployment, but once we found out about him, he came in about 5 weeks. In both cases, the adoption waiting was shorter (and for Malachi, much shorter) than a pregnancy. And the cool thing about the paperwork is that it actually forces you to sit down and do things like write out your budget, find out your family medical history, get a physical, learn CPR, etc. -- things you should probably do before a pregnancy anyway.

4. What if we don't bond with the child or he or she doesn't get along with our other children? That's a possibility, especially if you adopt an older child or adopt internationally. It can take time and patience and counseling and lots of prayer to incorporate a new person into your family. But I don't think fear is a very good excuse for not considering your options.

5. How will people respond to us and/or the child if he or she doesn't look like us? This was a fear of ours, esp. adopting two kids transracially. Will you get stares? Probably. Will people ask you dumb questions (see previous post)? Most definitely. Will strangers wonder who the real father is or ask you if you're the nanny? It's likely. Has any of this harmed me? Not a bit. You prepare for it, you know it's going to happen, and you deal with it with a smile. If fear of what other people will think about you keeps you from adopting, that's probably sin (some kind of idolization of the acceptance of other people, to make this post more Tim Keller approved).

Okay, these are just some of the excuses I've heard about why people don't adopt. And I don't think adoption is for everyone (again see previous post about people who distinguish between their "own" kids and adopted kids). Some families already have 10 biological kids and honestly can't squeeze another one into the 12-passenger van (does that actually exist, or are there just 15-passenger vans?). Some people have never felt called to adopt. But that doesn't get you off the hook. You should still be helping widows and orphans. Here are a few random suggestions of how you can do that (these are off the top of my head -- I'm sure someone wiser and nicer and more educated than I am has written an extensive list, so google it):

1. Consider foster care. If you're not ready to commit to adoption, perhaps you could do foster care. You can foster children from newborn infants up to teenagers -- there are tons of options. I grew up having foster brothers (and one sister) who were anywhere from 1 day old to 1 month old. We usually only took care of them for 2-4 weeks before they went to their adopted home. If you like babies but aren't ready to commit to raising a child through college, this could be for you. And if you hate babies but love kids and/or teenagers, you can foster older children. There are tons of options.

2. Do respite foster care. This is where you're a foster family that takes care of kids briefly, usually to give the regular foster parents a break (because taking care of kids is hard work). It might be a weekend or a couple of weeks, but it's not long-term, and still is an amazing blessing to both parents and kids.

3. Give money. Donate money to families that do want to adopt and are struggling to find the money. Host a fundraiser. Get your church excited about adoption and get them to donate money. Help families who have adopted and are struggling to make ends meet with the burdens of extra children (and feel free to start with a donation to our "Buy a minivan fund" -- 3 kids in carseats means no more cool cars like our Honda Civic). Throw families a baby shower or a welcome home shower for older adopted kids -- things to help them get started with diapers, clothes, etc. And bring over food. Lots of food. After any adoption, food is greatly appreciated, because there is a lot of transition going on. If you want to continue bringing meals over the span of a year or more, that will also be appreciated.

4. Be a mentor. There are lots of kids and teens in the foster care and orphanage system who don't really have anyone there for them to look after them and help them with schoolwork and throw a football around, etc. Sign up to be a Big Brother or Big Sister. Talk to your local school and see if there are any kids that would benefit from having someone help them out. Volunteer with your church youth group and get to know these kids. You can make a huge impact that can change a kid's life!

I guess that's probably enough of a soap box for the day, but I do think it's our job as human beings, "rich" Americans, and especially Christians to be taking care of widows and orphans. Sometimes you have to be creative to figure out what that looks like for you, but don't let laziness be your excuse for not looking into adoption, foster care, and/or other orphan ministries. You have the chance to change lives. So why don't you?