I have an anger problem. I'm part Irish, so we could blame it on that, but the truth is, I lack (and I mean seriously lack) patience, self-control, and kindness. I can fly off the handle with very little provocation (though I do get over things and forgive quickly, which is my one redeeming quality). As a kid and in high school, I definitely had a temper, though I kind of thought that I had mastered it in college when there wasn't a whole lot that set me off (the thing about college is, life is all about you, you're completely independent and don't really have to think of anyone other than yourself, so really, there aren't a whole lot of things to provoke you to anger). Getting married showed me that I hadn't grown in the areas of patience and self-control as much as I thought, but I'm married to someone who has a temper quicker than mine, so as long as I compared myself to my husband, I figured I was doing pretty good. And then came kids. And not just 1 kid, but 3 kids in 2.5 years. And my demons returned with a vengeance.
I've been trying to figure out why I'm so angry all the time. At least once a day I lose it. Really lose it. Like screaming at my kids and slamming a door and basically throwing a temper tantrum that even my 2-year old would be proud of. What the heck is wrong with me?! Granted, nothing is more provoking in life than having little dictators running around who refuse to do what I ask them to, who have to be threatened with a timeout or spanking just to brush their teeth, and who scream for 30 minutes when you ask them to say please before giving them their milk in the morning. It feels like I'm constantly in a battle with at least one of my children at any given moment. If it's not the 3-year old whining or stalling or being a nutcase, it's the 2-year old throwing an hour long tantrum or purposely hitting his brother just to tick him off, or the 1-year old throwing himself on the floor and shrieking because he wants a toy and is refusing to go down for a nap. And when 2 or more are acting up at the same time, it's enough to put me in a nuthouse. And I get angry. I yell at my kids (something I swore I would never do, and something my parents never did to me). I discipline them out of anger instead of love. I say mean things to them and tell them they're driving me nuts. I have no patience at all for their misbehavior and disobedience, and while I expect them to exhibit self-control, I'm doing the exact opposite. So what gives? What is my problem?!
A few things have been surfacing through reading some books and having discussions in my LIFE Group (or community group, as some churches call them). One is that I have an issue with power and control. I idolize them. I think I need to be in power and have control of my life (and every detail of it, including my future and my kids' future) in order to survive/be happy/be content. And having 3 kids this close together was not in my plan. Not at all. I didn't want more than 2 kids, and I wanted those two kids to be two years apart. I keep consoling myself with the thought that I would be a good mom, that I wouldn't get angry, that I would be kind and patient and teach my kids to write their name if I only had 2 kids (or at least didn't have 3 kids this close together). My life feels completely out of control a lot, and my response is to get angry. Sometimes I'm angry at my kids, and sometimes I'm just angry at God for giving me this situation. It's more than I can handle most of the time. Which is probably exactly why God did it -- He knows I would be prideful and self-righteous about how awesome a parent I was if I only had 1 or 2 kids, and I would think I was a perfect parent and look down on everyone else who wasn't as awesome as me. Instead I pretty much suck as a parent, and it's only by the grace of God that I and my kids survive and that my kids can even sing the alphabet song (my 3-year old totally screws up counting to 10 by skipping 6 every time; it's maddening).
Thankfully, the Gospel says that God loves me in spite of how bad I suck as a parent right now, and nothing I do (or don't do) can make God love me more or less. That is super comforting when I screw up for the one millionth time and yell at my kids. But I have to believe that God is changing me, even if it's so painfully slow I don't notice it yet. And hopefully as I start trusting Him more and give up the control I'm so desperately clinging to, I'll get angry less, and I'll be more patient and kind and loving. And frankly, I'm just going to have to trust that God loves my kids and it's up to Him to turn their hearts to Him and to make them decent human beings. Otherwise, I freak out about how bad I'm screwing them up, and what a mess I'm making of their lives (and mine).
The other thing I'm realizing is that I don't feel strongly about my purpose right now. (Warning 2 of the blog today: this is going to sound like bragging, but bear with me as I get to the part that matters.) Growing up, I was the smart kid. The overachiever. The valedictorian of my high school and college class. I missed 1 point in my entire Masters program. My ACT and SAT scores were enough to get me scholarships and national merit status. My GRE is better than my husband's, and he went to one of the top physical therapy schools in the nation. And now I'm a stay-at-home mom whose biggest accomplishment of the day is mopping the floor and cooking dinner (and usually I don't even do that). Part of me feels like I'm wasting my life. My dream in college was to get a Ph.D. in Applied Linguistics and become a college professor. Or move to France or North Africa and get a Masters degree in French. Instead, I'm changing diapers, memorizing the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse theme song, and the biggest excitement of my day is getting to go to the park twice. Thoughts frequently go through my head that I would be awesome as a banker, or a linguist, or a lawyer, or basically anything other than being a mom. Because there aren't any written tests when you're a mom -- just your kids' behavior and your response to it (which, as I've already established, I'm failing at miserably). I don't want to go back to teaching, because, honestly, I wasn't that great of a teacher and I can't make enough money doing it to pay for childcare for 3 kids, so what's the point? My husband found a master's degree program at our local university in Academic Advising, something I've always wanted to do, and I've thought about going back to school for another degree in a few years. But that's probably a 12-month a year job, and deep down I really don't want to miss out on taking my kids to the pool, watching them play baseball, going on trips to the library and having friends come over to hang out. I feel strongly that I want to stay home with my kids and be there for them, but I also feel a sense of loss at would my life could have been and the kind of career I might have had. I'm pretty sure that part of my anger towards my kids stems from a place deep inside me that says, "I deserve better than this. I am better than this." That pride and selfishness is making me a bitter and angry mom. And it's not fair to my kids or my husband.
I don't really have any answers to these problems. So for now I just keep repenting of my anger, my pride, my need for control and power, and keep asking God for more grace and more faith and a heart of gratitude and contentment. Because focusing on the "what could have beens" does nothing to make me a happier, more joyful person. As I'm ending this blog, the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp is coming to mind, and the reminder that you can't be both angry and thankful at the same time. Perhaps I need to start with gratitude, learning to be thankful for my blessings instead of discontent over how my life is different from what I had planned. Because truthfully, I have been blessed with 3 amazing boys, a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, and fantastic friends. I do have a lot to be grateful for; sometimes that just gets lost in the mundane of the day to day.
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