Community

This is going to be less of an adoption blog, and more of a "mom" blog, but I've been thinking about it for awhile and decided to try to get my thoughts down to help me sort it all out.

I realized the other day that while I absolutely love our new town, our home, our church, our LIFE group, I don't have any really good friends here. Why don't I have a single person in town that I call just to talk? Why don't I have any friends that I hang out with or laugh with or who I can call when I'm having a bad day or when I'm craving Dairy Queen but feel guilty going there by myself (though I totally get over the guilt and go anyway)? I've lived in 4 cities in 4 years, and I still call friends from the last 3 cities I've lived in; I still follow them on Facebook; when I'm really upset about something, I still call them for advice and to calm me down and help me think rationally. So why, after being here 6 months, have I not found anyone here that I feel that close to?

Answer: KIDS

I realized that the first two cities I lived in post-marriage, we didn't have any kids. We hung out with people. We babysat for them, helped them move, helped them paint, helped them clean. We watched baseball games together, we watched movies together, and I spent hours upon hours going running with about 6 different ladies and getting to know them pretty darn well (when you're running for 2 hours at a time, you cover a lot of topics!). And when we lived in Seattle, I had the Navy community and our husbands were deployed for most of the time we were there, so we hung out together. And with just one kid, it was still pretty easy to get together for coffee or go for a run or have a playdate.

But we moved here, and I had 2 kids under age 2. I didn't know a single person here, so there was no previous connection to turn to. And I've pretty much become known as the lady with the 2 adorable but insane kids who must be insane herself because she's pregnant with her third boy. I don't go to coffee anymore. Playdates are great, but lately they mostly involve me keeping Malachi in time-out for chucking some toy at another kid's head and trying to keep Isaiah from wailing every time I'm out of his site. And I don't really run right now, and even if I did, I'm so slow pushing 60+ pounds in the double stroller that it's more like a slow waddle than a run, so I don't really think it's fair to ask someone to join me.

So not only do I not have a chance to just hang out with other women, but even when I do, our conversations mostly center around our kids and life as a mom. I mean, what else can I talk about? My whole day revolves around my kids -- did they sleep, are they throwing tantrums, did we go to storytime at the library, which park did we try, etc. As a mom, it's like you somehow lose your identity as anyone else. I used to have conversations with people about things like politics, religion, Cardinals baseball, running, lifting weights, cooking, going green, France, clothes, ministry opportunities, etc. Most people I know now wouldn't even know what I'm interested in, outside of my kids and adoption. And it's not because people don't care -- it's because I've changed too. I don't run or lift "heavy" weights right now; cooking involves a griddle, two pieces of bread and a slice of cheese; my clothing selection is sweats and a tank top; France is a long-ago memory, etc. I'm realizing how hard it is to get close to people and allow them to get close to you when you have no previous before kids experience with them. It's not like I'm asking my new friends questions about who they are outside of their kids either.

Is this new "Mom identity" going to be forever? Will I ever talk about fashion (or my lack thereof), France, and food again? Will I meet people who have common interests with my old interests that will help spark a friendship outside of my kids and my role as a mom? Will I ever get to go for a run with someone and not talk about our kids the entire time? Or is this the new me, my new life, my new identity, and I might as well get used to it? Are my friendships going to be dominated by who my kids' friends are from here on out? Will I be just another soccer mom surrounded by other soccer mom friends (except I hate soccer)?

While living in 4 cities in 4 years was a blast, and I've gotten to meet a ton of people, it's biggest drawback is how hard it makes it to maintain good, deep, close relationships. It's nearly impossible to find and keep a "best friend." But maybe that's okay. And maybe it's okay that I'm just a "mom" now who talks about sleep schedules and toddler woes and tries to justify the health benefits of eating grilled cheese at least once a day. Perhaps I need to embrace my "Mom identity" and just roll with it. At least my kids are cute and totally worth talking about, so that makes it easier.