Questioning Myself

Today has been a mixture of emotions. I was able to speak with the director of our adoption agency here in South Carolina, and she explained to me where everything is in the ICPC process, and it made me feel like people did actually care and were working on getting things done. But I had also found the number of the person in charge of ICPC in South Carolina and decided to give her a call just to see if I could be given special permission to leave early before all the paperwork was completed, like perhaps a "good faith agreement" or something like that. She asked me about our story and what was going on, and I explained about the husband being deployed, my other son being with his grandparents, and my new son being in the NICU. She told me she wants to do anything she can to get me home and keep Isaiah from having to stay in a hotel for a long period of time.

Well, the lady at the ICPC office called the adoption agency in SC and requested that they go ahead and send her the information they do have, even if it's not complete. (I did not request that she contact my agency at all, but she chose to do that.) Well, I received a phone call from the agency shortly after, and they were very upset with me. They told me I was not supposed to contact ICPC directly, that they have an agreement with ICPC to work with them and won't have their clients call them. They then told me that they were forced to drop everything else they were doing and pull together the paperwork they did have and send it off to ICPC without the file being complete (we were still missing the medical forms, Aaron's background check (that did arrive this morning), and one other document). I told them that I was very sorry and I had not asked the ICPC office to contact them or request information.

All of this made me feel like I did something wrong by trying to take matters into my own hands. I feel guilty about it and upset that I made our agency upset, but at the same time, I'm happy that they got at least some things done. I don't know if I did the right thing or not. I was never rude or demanding -- I was simply asking questions, but maybe I "overstepped my bounds." I don't know. Was I not trusting God by trying to make things work the way I wanted them to and hurry the process along? Was I being ungrateful to the agency? (I already know I was being ungrateful to God for all the little miracles He has done -- that's been confessed). But did I wrong the agency? I don't know. I feel such mixed emotions -- upset that I may have made others mad at me but happy that it worked to get things done.

I think I need to remember to trust God, but maybe that doesn't mean I can't try to get things done. And honestly, the agency in Seattle hasn't been able to help me out much due to both of their domestic adoption specialists being gone because of family emergencies and a new baby, and the director being out of the office until Monday. So I've been navigating this process on my own and trying to do anything possible to speed the process along so Isaiah can go home and my boys can be together.

Today I'm less angry at God and realizing that He is in control and instead of complaining (like the Israelites in the Old Testament), I need to be grateful for the miracles He has given me -- a little boy who is getting healthier and stronger by the day, parents who are able to care for Malachi, a husband coming home soon, friends to stay with, the money to pay for all of these expenses, and His grace to get me through it. I'm just hoping my impatience didn't screw something up.

Another frustrating thought occurred to me today too -- if I had given birth to Isaiah, no one would stop me from taking him across state lines. No one would care if I flew to Seattle or New York or the Bahamas (except for the passport people). So why is it such a hassle to take an adopted child across the United States? There has got to be a better way for adoptions to work across state lines. This process should not be this difficult. I've been a rule follower my whole life, but even I am starting to question ...