Post-Adoption Depression

Most everyone has heard of postpartum depression and how after having a baby your hormones go all wacky and you're down in the dumps. What most people don't know is that post-adoption depression is also fairly common, and dangerous. During one of our post-placement visits with our case worker, she asked us how we were doing and that's when I first heard this term "post-adoption depression." She said they want people to tell them what's going on and how we're feeling, because they had a case a few years ago where a Christian woman adopted a child from China and ended up killing him because she was so depressed and stressed out by it all (which did not help the adoption agency's relationship with China, by the way).

It was then that I realized I could probably be labeled as depressed. You see, with adoption, people gets their hopes and expectations set very high. For many women, they have gone through years of infertility treatments, so when they finally adopt a child, they are putting all their hopes and dreams into that child. And if that child is a colicky baby or sick or from another country and not understanding anything that's going on and subsequently lashing out, it's like your whole world comes crashing down around you. Your expectations are unmet, and you don't understand why this tiny little being that you had thought would bring you so much joy is suddenly making your life harder than it was before. That's when the depression and the anger start.

In our case, Malachi was an easy baby -- he ate well, slept okay, and since he was extremely fat didn't do much but lie around looking cute. Isaiah, on the other hand, had trouble from the start -- born with pneumonia, colicky, acid reflux, formula and eating problems, a terrible sleeper, and a cry like I've never heard before (seriously, this kid sounds like he is dying every single time he cries -- there is no "cry it out" going on around here unless we all go outside. Even Malachi can't stand it and will try to pick him up if he's crying ... or step on him). And Isaiah was born two weeks before Aaron returned from deployment, meaning that Aaron had to come home to a new baby and a cranky toddler -- slight life change. And those of you with two or more kids know this, but holy cow, you can't get any sleep during the day when you have two kids!!! There is no "nap when they're napping" taking place. Which means I was exhausted all the time. Malachi was acting out because he wasn't getting as much attention, and he was driving me crazy, and there would be times when Isaiah just kept crying for an hour or more and there was literally nothing we could do to stop it. I found myself getting angry and frustrated, and I was in tears at least every other day. I suddenly understood how people could shake their baby -- I wanted to! There were times in the middle of the night I would be yelling back at him, "Stop your flippin' crying and go to sleep!" I kept crying out to God to please just let him sleep.

It was hard, and I was tired, more tired than I've ever been before. And I was angry at God and angry at Isaiah and angry at myself. But then a dear friend told me something that changed my perspective. Maybe we pray too often that God will make our lives easy and comfortable. Maybe we need start praying that we can find joy in the hard times. Maybe we should pray that God will give us hard times because they push us to Him. God doesn't make our lives easy -- if He did, how could we ever grow? And it was like a light bulb went on -- I suddenly really liked Isaiah. He hadn't changed and he was still a hard baby, but my perspective on him had changed. He wasn't meant to "complete me/us." And after a few weeks, Isaiah settled down. They got him on medicine for the reflux, he got on a better schedule, and he found a formula he could tolerate. And he has become the happiest baby I've ever seen -- he can't stop smiling ALL the time! And he coos and squeals and laughs ... it's awesome. Aaron says we missed out on this with Malachi, because Malachi didn't smile or make any noises until he was almost 5 months old (I think his cheeks were too fat to open his mouth more than just to eat). Isaiah is content and happy, but that's not what brought my joy back. I started to be more joyful when I realized that Isaiah was not put in our family to make me happy. God gave him to us raise and point him to Christ. And He gave Isaiah to us to help make us more like Him. When I realized that my expectations for Isaiah were unrealistic (and unhealthy), that's when God was able to change my heart and my attitude.

I wanted to be honest in this post, because I know there are a lot of other adoptive parents who are struggling, and it's hard to admit. We don't have hormones to blame for our depression and anger, so it must just be us (or our kid ...). It is so hard not to think your child is going to be your whole world, but it's also important to realize that asking a child to fulfill you is a big burden that a child should never have to bear. It's unfair to them, and let's be honest -- all kids are going to disappoint you at some point. The only One who will never disappoint you or let you down is Christ. Put your hope in Him, not in your kids. He is the source of true joy.