It's so hard to say goodbye

Last Thursday we went to say goodbye to Malachi's birthmom, Ashley. Aaron and I were both kind of dreading this, not because we didn't want to see Ashley (we ADORE her), but because we were afraid of the tears and heartache it might bring. Ashley wrote Malachi a letter about a month ago after she found out we were moving to Washington, and in it she shared that she had cried for 2 days straight when she heard he was going to be across the country. It absolutely broke my heart (and I subsequently also cried for 2 days straight). I was so worried that this would be a painful experience, and was praying like crazy for days before the meeting. Thankfully, God answers prayer.

When we arrived at the Bethany Christian Services office, Ashley was already there. Our social worker took us to the room where Ashley, her sister, and her grandmother were waiting (Ashley's mother, i.e. Malachi's birth grandmother had just had surgery and wasn't able to come). We went in and handed Malachi to Ashley and the whole room filled with joy. Ashley smiled and laughed as Malachi tried to eat her finger, slobbered all over her, sneezed, and gnawed on every toy we gave him. She even held him up while he stood at her feet. She couldn't believe how big he'd gotten and just kept laughing at him and staring at him. Aaron and I told them all the things Malachi can do now and how he talks constantly and eats like a pig. The social worker came to check on us once and see Malachi, but otherwise, we were all alone - one big family reunion, in a way. We stayed for about 45 minutes with them, and then Ashley's grandmother told her they needed to go. Ashley handed Malachi to Aaron and told us to send lots of pictures of Washington, said goodbye, and walked out the door. It was hard to see her go, but there were no tears. Instead, there was a sense of peace. Her response made it seem okay to leave now - she has entrusted us with her son, and it's okay. She knows we're giving him a good home and she's so excited for the opportunities Malachi has to travel and see the world.

Was it weird for me to hear Ashley's sister call Ashley "mommy"? A little. But at the same time, I know Ashley will always be Malachi's birthmom. I can never replace that role in his life. I've started referring to her as "Mommy Ashley" - I want Malachi to know that she loves him like crazy. I don't feel threatened by it - instead, I see Ashley as an addition to our family. I can't wait to fly back with Malachi in the fall and see her again. She will probably be amazed at how big he is and all the things he can do. And maybe there won't be any tears then either. Or maybe there will. I'm just glad that Malachi has the chance to have a relationship with a birthmom who loves him. Besides, I keep reminding myself that Malachi isn't really ours - he's God's. We just have the awesome responsibility of raising him.